Say No to Good, So you can say Yes to Better..
~Happy Birthday Mom! You're the reason I'm here today (for many reasons.) All my love to you.
One of the hardest things to do as a human being is to let yourself be completely vulnerable and admit to your faults and shortcomings. It should only be fair that once you admit to those mistakes, they should be counted as write-offs. Unfortunately, we all know that's not the case.
I feel like the past few years of my life have been one big confession. I've spent a lot of time coming to terms with my mistakes. It brings me here today, at peace with many burdens and ready to face an intimidating but exciting new future for my myself. So how did I decide what is better?
A lot of people are hit with the New Year's Resolution bug. The #1 resolution for most people is weight loss. While that may be a side effect of my better life, it isn't what motivates me. 2017 ended with a bang. Basically, a big explosion that got my attention. It told me that I need to stop letting my everyday, my 24/7 control who I have to be. It sounds confusing and cheesy, but this is why it took so long for me to figure it out. As it turns out, this should be one of the most important things in my life. Let me try to explain.
Who am I? Well, This picture does a pretty good job of representing who I feel like I had become. First, anyone who is familiar with my family history knows that we were not blessed with the healthiest of genes. I've been on blood pressure and Thyroid medicines since my early 20's. Years go by and tack on few more.
We have auto-immune disorders in my family and I specifically have a clotting disorder called Antiphospholipid syndrome. It was first noticed after having multiple miscarriages, however, I have been blessed with two beautiful children. I am on a medication called Plaquenil because of this. I was put on medications for reflux/gastritis, arthritis in my joints. In the past few years I was put on my first ever anti-anxiety/depressant after the separation of my marriage. While everything is very amicable, and everyone is in a great place, it is still hard to come off of those medicines once dependency happens.
Most recently, I was diagnosed with Narcolepsy. This is actually somewhat comical to the ones that have known me the longest. They wonder what took this diagnosis so long, and seriously, it is the frustration of feeling like there is always something "wrong" with you. My daughter actually hurt my feelings when she told me that we never do anything because I am always sleeping. I decided it was time to go to the sleep doctor. The medicine they give me helps me during the day, but I don't always sleep well at night. Those few hours between me waking up and my medicine kicking in, I'm an absolute zombie.
Lastly, I just started allergy drops. I went to the ENT that I worked with because everything, and I mean everything, irritates me. Inflammation everywhere. Cats. I have the best cats, and I refuse to give them up. I've not always been allergic to everything, but I just found out that has changed: Peanuts, chicken, cows milk, wheat, beef, soy, cats, molds, all trees, some grasses, blah, blah..
I got tired of typing that, I'm sure you got tired of reading it, everyday people around me get tired of hearing about it when they ask how my day is going, and I sure as heck get tired of my daily regimen. It is who I am though. One or two days off of these medicines that are supposed to pull me together and I am a complete disaster. As a nurse, I see people like this every day and think, "They must spend all day taking their medicines". Uhh.. yeah? The sad part is, I just took a picture of my prescriptions. The ones that were ordered by the doctor (not including the aspirin I'm supposed to take everyday). What about all the vitamins and stuff that your supposed to take? The stuff that's supposed to make you feel better? Why in the world would I want to add that in too?
So.. add in two kids, a job, after school activities, and a few other here and there things, and a normal day is over. Time for bed, and to start the vicious cycle over again. Usually, the next day feeling more run down and defeated than the day before. Now I understand that people do this EVERY day, it's part of today's world. But this is MY day. This is what was handed to me. When I wake up, when I go to sleep, and all the time in between. I know that the world sees a 38yr old body with a smile on her face, but that is not what is living inside. There is exhaustion, there is frustration and pain, there is uncertainty. There just so happened to be a medicine for my exhaustion, for my frustration and pain, and my uncertainty. It never took it away, it just numbed it up a bit. It made me believe everything was good in my life. I was really kidding myself. My weight was back up from where I had lost several pounds a few years back. My legs, shoulders/other joints, and anything allergy related were inflammed and swollen. I will spare the details of my stomach. I was taking NSAIDS like candy and that was not good per my Heart Doctor. I've heard people say they were fallling apart and it usually makes me laugh a little because I get a visual, but at the end of 2017, I understood completely. I wasn't good for anyone, especially my family.
My best friend since high school came down for a surprise visit the weekend of New Years Eve. She has been a blessing/ pain in the butt to me for 23 years and I hope that I have her for another 23+ years! We went to my church service that Sunday, and I had not been going for quite some time. Julie's faith is very inspiring and I really admire and love her for that. I told her that she came when I needed her most, and she said there was a reason it happened that way. The pastor speaking, Crissa Letson, gave the most amazing sermon. She was talking about herself and that she had wound up in a very tough situation. She explained that she is usually a very private person, but at this time, she found herself in the middle of a very supportive group of loved ones. That support circle gave her the faith and strength she needed. She opened up about the pain she was dealing with and from that experience she had the most caring and eye opening resolution. They had discussed that sometimes you have to say no to good, to say yes to better. She went on to speak in depth about the Covenant Prayer. It says, "I am not my own, but yours alone."
As we were leaving, rounding up the kids, I was trying to let this whole feeling sink in. I knew that something great had happened to me, I just didn't know what yet. Julie left on New Years day, and we had some really great talks in between our church sermon and her leaving. It was then that I realized if I wanted greatness to continue, I was going to have work for it. "Better" was the light at the end of the tunnel for me. I have great plans!